This is Who I am
by Lonelygrl91
Summary: What if there was a different reason why James, Logan, and Carlos didn't want Kendall to be the "bad boy"? Kogan!


Summary: What if there was another reason Logan, James, and Carlos didn't want Kendall to be the "bad boy"? K/L Semi Dark!

Disclaimer: I don't OWN BTR... though I wish I did!

AN: OK THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT... I KNOW THAT THIS STORY MAY SEEM LIKE JAMES BASHING, AND I APOLOGIZE!!! IT NEVER WAS INTENDED TO BASH JAMES, IN FACT I LIKE JAMES, HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE KENDALL'S BF IN THE NEXT BTR STORY I WRITE... I JUST NEEDED ONE OF THE GUYS TO BE AN ASSHOLE, AND MY MUSE JUST KINDA VOLUNTEERED JAMES TO BE IT... SO I APOLOGIZE! I WILL MOCK ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY HATE ME FOR MAKING JAMES A STUCK UP BITCH!!!

Logan, James, and Carlos, walked behind Kendall, who seemed oblivious to his best friend's worry.

"Guys, we can't do this…. You're being ridiculous," Logan said glancing at is long time crush. James looked at him sternly before continuing his spiel.

"Logan, be serious, we can't let Kendall be the bad boy," James whispered to the young genius, Carlos nodded in agreement.

"I KNOW! He's going to be the richest guy in the band!" Logan sighed and shook his head.

"No you idiot…. Man, I really need to get new…" Carlos continued cutting Logan's rant short.

"You're right! He's going to get all the hott girls!" James slapped Carlos on the back of the head. Logan looked at the two as they walked into the palm woods.

"And everyone calls me the idiot? Carlos EVERYONE knows Kendal likes Logan, I mean he's been drooling over the poor boy since he moved to Minnesota! He's just too shy to admit it" the boys shrugged their shoulders in agreement. "No, Kendall can't be the bad boy because of who he was…. Remember how he used to be when we first met him?" The three boys thought back to the time when the out spoken, fun loving hockey player, was once a sullen withdrawn broody kid. Shaking out of the memory Logan shook his head.

"No, I can't believe that Kendall would want to become that, he ALWAYS said he hated what he was when he was younger," they all watched Kendall who was unlocking their door and turned to look at them.

"What's going on guys? Aren't you gonna come in?" They walked into the apartment before looking around awkwardly. "Guys seriously what's going on?" no one replied, afraid of what their "leader" would say. "Ok, well when you guys grow your brains back, come find me…. I'll be at the pool" The boys nodded and watched as Kendall ran into his room and changed. The remaining members of Big Time Rush all sat down on their couch. When Kendall was done he gazed over at his best friends before shaking his head sadly and walking out the door.

"Guys that was mean, I think I should go talk to him" Carlos and James d at looked at each other before pulling him back down.

"LOGAN! Do you want to let him go… emo… again? " Logan shook his head, "well then we need to come up with a plan… trust me Kendall's shirt will still be off when we get down there," Logan groaned, but knew he had been defeated. Carlos, who had remained quiet through the whole ordeal, finally thought of something.

"Guys! I've got an Idea, why don't we just wait until we see if he changes, I mean, he was in7th GRADE when he first came here…. He's older now, and the older people get the harder it is for them to change." Logan and James looked at each other before looking back to Carlos amazed. "What, I have good thoughts…every once in a while." The boys nodded before heading off towards the pool, ignorant to the fact a certain blond was running from the door, to the pool as well.

BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR

Kendall paced around the pool sadly.

"What did I do wrong? They said I was too "broody", so I cheered up, stopped wearing dark clothes; I stopped crushing on Logan, 'cause they always joked about gays. What did I do wrong now?" Kendall looked down at his clothes; he was wearing a light green long sleeve shirt with his brown swim trunks, that was what he'd wear when they went swimming back in Minnesota, what's wrong with it now? Seeing Camille, he stopped her from slapping him.

"Do I look… emo or broody to you?" Camille laughed as she gave him the once over.

"You, emo and broody? You're probably the farthest from it! Why do you ask?" Kendall shook his head.

"I don't know… the guys have been acting funny lately, ever since Gustavo ordered me to be the bad boy. I mean I guess I was kinda broody and dark when they first met me, but it was 7th grade, and I had good reasons for it!" Camille gave him an understanding look.

"It's ok Kendall, you shouldn't have to explain yourself for your actions, they are your friends, and they should accept you for who you are. Besides I'm sure you're just over analyzing things." Kendall put his head in his hands.

"That's just it Camille, they don't know who I am. I've kept so much of myself secret from them; they only know what I show. They don't know anything about why I moved to Minnesota, where or who my dad is, or what happened to him. All they know is, I refuse to talk about him, even if my mom makes a reference to him. "Camille put an arm around Kendall.

"Hey, it's ok… you can get this off your chest… do you want me to go get Logan?" Kendall looked up. "Yeah, you are that obvious, but it is ok, I don't judge" Kendall looked at her for a second before shaking his head.

""No, Logan doesn't know anything about this…. And I really don't want him to know… at least yet. But you have to promise me you won't tell ANYONE!" Camille led Kendall to a chair before sitting down herself.

"When I first met Logan, James, and Carlos, I had just moved to Minnesota from Arizona, my mom had just finished the divorce papers, and had gotten us out of the house. She had yet to find a job, and we didn't have much money, so when it came time for new clothes for school, I decided to get dark clothes, it helped saved on laundry, dark clothes don't show dirt as easily. Then I met Logan, and he introduced me to James and Carlos, well James didn't like anyone who was different from the normal images he was used to. He got the other two to confront me. They asked why I was always so quiet, and why I wore dark clothes all the time." Kendall looked down ashamed.

"And what did you tell them?" Camille asked Kendall looked up, giving her an awkward grin.

"I never told them why, I just kinda lied, but the truth was my father demanded silence from me, he was always drunk, yet he loved Katie, I think that's why she's such a troublemaker, because she never realized I took the beatings for her. The point is they told me if I wanted to hang out with them, I had to open up more, basically change who I was, so I did, My mom had just gotten a job, so I asked for some new clothes, instead of joining the soccer team, I got into hockey, I became who they wanted me to be, and I accepted it, in fact I few to love it, love hockey, love the guys, and love Logan, but now they are acting like they did before the first 'intervention.' And I just wonder what I did to make them want to change me. Gustavo, I can understand, he's trying to create a successful band, I like to argue with him because it's fun, no other reason, but why do my best friends keep wanting to change me?" Camille smiled supportively, before grabbing the boy's hand.

"Awww honey, I think you need to talk to them and tell them you don't wanna change, because you're happy with who you are…" Kendall shook his head.

"But that's the thing Camille I'm not happy who I am! I wanna get a tattoo, and my ear pierced, and yet James threatened me not to… "Camille looked at Kendall in shock.

"James, little innocent nice I wanna be famous James threatened you?" Kendall nodded. Camille looked around the pool making sure no one was listening in, seeing the three boys spying on them Camille got an Idea. "I'll be right back," Camille walked over to where the boys were hiding.

"What the hell are you doing to poor Kendall? He's a mess! He needs support," Logan looked at Camille before walking over to Kendall.

"Great! Thanks, now those two are going to get together!" Camille slapped James hard.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND, SUPPORT HIM THROUGH EVERYTHING!" James leaned away from the angry actress.

"I am his best friend, I… I just… I never thought about it that way," Camille nodded before walking away from the two boys.

"Kendall, come on we are having a shopping day, just you and me!" Kendall was forcibly pulled from his seat and into Camille's car. "Now, what do you want to do first? Contacts, Hair, piercing, tattoo?" Kendall looked over at Camille who was stopped at a stoplight.

"You're serious?" Camille nodded.

"Dead serious," Kendall thought about it for a moment.

"Definitely tattoo and piercing, but what will Gustavo do?" Camille shrugged.

"Bad boys in boy bands don't care what their producer says, that's why he's the 'BAD BOY'" Kendall thought about it for a second before nodding in agreement, "Great! So…..to Bambino's!" Kendall glanced over at her and gave her a peck on the cheek. "If only you weren't gay" Kendall's smiled faded as he shifted nervously. "It's ok Kendall, just take make sure that you take care of him when you finally get the courage to ask him out," Kendall shook his head.

"He doesn't swing that way, even if he did he wouldn't want me," Camille took Kendal's hand and squeezed it comfortingly, parking she got out of the car and looked up, they had reached their destination.

"Come on Smile, we're here," Kendall looked up at the shop and smiled.

LATER

"Guys, I'm scared, for all we know with Camille Kendall could come back with BLUE HAIR!" Carlos laughed.

"James… settle down, Camille won't do anything too drastic… I hope" Carlos looked hopeful, and Logan sighed.

"I hope he doesn't change…." James's jaw dropped and he froze, Carlos looked at James before following his eye line.

"Who the HELL is with Camille and where is Kendall?" James snapped out of his daze and slapped Carlos.

"You idiot that IS Kendall!" Logan turned around and froze. Kendall's hair was the first thing he noticed, the blonde locks were replaced by a dark brown color. His contacts made him look like he had bright blue eyes, the biggest changes though was a diamond stud in Kendall's left ear, and a white gauze pad running from his right wrist to his elbow.

"Holy Shit Kendall! What did you do?" Kendall looked at himself then back to James worriedly.

"What you don't like it?" James stuttered before shaking his head.

"No… I… I love it! Dude you're gonna give me a run for my money!" Logan's eyes were still glued to the teen.

"Yeah dude, you're like totally a bad boy! Yet not a bad boy, you got some hockey player still in you, yet you look like a surfer…. You're a surfbad!" James slapped Carlos who gave him a sad look. "Seriously? Can you stop hitting me?" Kendall turned to Logan, who had just snapped out of his daze. Kendall looked down nervously, scratching absent-mindedly as he blushed.

"Wh-what do you think Logan?" Logan stared some more. "Logan? Dude? You're scaring me, please?" Logan shook himself out of his thoughts.

"You…I… You look AMAZING… Perfect even" No one except Kendall missed the sadness in his voice. "I gotta go…" Kendall sighed as he watched the shorter boy walked away, looking at Camille, she smiled comfortably.

"I give up Camille" She turned to James and Carlos and asked them to leave. When they were alone, she sat down beside the distraught boy.

"I just don't know what to do! I try to be myself yet he rejects me! I've loved him since I was TWELVE! People keep telling me he likes me, yet he never does anything to show me he's interested! And I'm through with it… I can't be in the band with a love interest who won't give me the time of day. I ju…" Logan, who had heard most of the conversation, cut him off.

"It's not that I don't like you, because I do… it's just that I'm nervous, I've never told anyone how I've felt… I just…" Camille rolled her eyes.

"Will you two just kiss already?" The two looked at her. Kendall smiled before leaning in and placing an awkward kiss on Logan's lips

"There you happy now Camille?" She nodded furiously. Logan placed another Kiss on Kendall's lips, before looking at Camille.

"Good, Now please… LEAVE!"

AN2: OK HERE'S ANOTHER IMPORTANT THING!!! I'VE LEFT THIS STORY WHERE IT CAN STAND ALONE, OR IT CAN BE MADE INTO A CHAPTER FIC... NOW AS A WARNING I AM ALREADY WORKING ON A BTR CHAPTER FIC. AND AS A HEADS UP I DON'T DO WELL WORKING ON MORE THEN ONE STORY, BUT I CAN GIVE IT A TRY... SO IF THIS STORY IS CONTINUED IS ALL UP TO YOU!


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